… September 20, 2009

ITs 3:34pm now. a few more hours and I will be flying, far far away. Thanks for meeting me up week after week, months after months and years after years to show me how much you guys really care. Friendships have always withstood the test of time and I am not afraid to leave because nothing can destroy all that  that have been forged over the days, weeks, months and years.

As  I leave tonight, at the presence of all of you who love, care and stood by me,  I promise I will change and I will change for the better:)  Keep in touch with me as I move back to blogspot to enjoy the convenience of a tagboard at www.livecooly.blogspot.com.

Goodbye.

Asiaworks BT September 6, 2009

I applaud asiaworks for being able to come up with a programme that made me tear from 10am to 10pm. =p

A life changing experience that I will never EVER forget…

Theres no such thing as no choice, I will choose responsibly, bravely and honestly.

I will neva be a victim because there’s always a responsible version for the bad results, outcome and the relationships I will face in life.

Beliefs stem from past experiences. They arent facts, they arent true. I will break boundaries by going out of my comfort zones.

I know whats the number one thing thats important to me. – the people who love me… 

I always thought I could only give and never receive but I received so much love from so many people in one night.

We vote people in life, every single one of them, and I have learnt to be open and authentic to everyone who walk into my life.

Goals are there, for us to reach and realise and considerations are meant to be overcome.

Results are a reflection of our intentions-believe it or not.

Relationships are meant for us to experience the purity of giving without asking for any returns, and love is not love until it is given away and i chose to love a human bravely.

I just want to feeel, to experience and connect with human’s deepest emotions.

I feel empowered, enlightened and energised. I wanna face life with love, passion and drive. 

Thank you cynthia and mr tong for showing how much you love me. I have neva felt so loved thank you.

UCL SingSoc’09 September 1, 2009

UCL singsoc fresher’s camp’09.

A whole new begining with new faces to remember and new voices to get accustomed to. Learnt many many many names and spoke to many many many other people, with a majority majoring in law, economics, geography and the rest (maths, medicine, linguistics, art, etc). It was GREAT to know lotsa people before we actually plant ourselves in a foreign land and i am so happy to find this guy  who is taking the same flight as me and staying in the same hall and we can dot2dot tgt (is a cheaper than cab service which brings you from heathrow airport to where you wanna go) LOL. the 2oth  2330 flight is really flooded with ucl freshers and it suddenly daunt on me that i should check in earlier so that theres a higher probability that the passenger service guy will close one eye if my baggage exceeds 30kg zzz which i believe the hundreds of passengers on board will too LOL. 

Camp was alright,  sometimes i feel we have somehow outgrown orientation camps.. and thus I have nothing much to comment on it but I am certain it wasnt as wild as local uni camps because the whole “SDU” concept wasn’t implemented at all:)  getting old uh? Monday was amazing race and i think small talks along the way make us learn about each other more to move away from just being mere accquaintances. I guess the coolest thing was that people spoke with so much conviction.. i guess by choosing to go overseas, many have thought hard about who they are and what they wanna do…but life is a gamble on its own.

Left the amazing race halfway to meet my beloved classmates and VINCENT GOH in ntu. When I left, I felt good, because I know I have made friends (and i really mean FRIENDS), not one or two but at least three or four. Meeting the familiar faces at ntu certainly brought back many wonderful feelings and even though its just an hour for me, it meant so much. I have always feel a little sad when I tunnel through the ntu buildings on the shuttle bus to pioneer mrt because it almost became my school with friends and family (MY DEAREST SISTER) giving me the comfort of their smiles. But I didnt feel so ytd, as I put on the shirt that says “ucl singsoc fresher’o9″, because I truly understood where I belong and am convinced of the path i have chosen for myself. the begining is always tough and filled with hate and jealousy but all that will be over by the time summer’10 falls..

Met this guy coincidentally at EW4 who happens to be a LSE yr 2 and heading to nsrcc like me to join back the bbq. The guy who believes in second chance because he was a victim once but whats more important is who he is now.. but sometimes, we may not even be given a second chance, or should we be optimistic about life and say that there will always be one from ourselves?

Theres many many things to buy before I actually leave. everything from lugguage to hangers. ALAMAK. and many many people to visit like the dentist, the optician and the hairdresser. And my intended date of return is either 19 dec’09 OR summer’2011. It feels so surreal to leave and someone told me ” leaving is sad but the feeling of being left behind is sadder”. AWW. 

nineteen more days, to indulge in the warmth of my loved ones.

luxury of time August 25, 2009

Life has been real good these days with freedom, choice, and happy worries. Reading has never been more enjoyable though I still need lotsa time to understand the American history and the whole chinese culture and evolution. Airport send offs came one after another and I got reminded time and again how I will be leaving real soon. I guess theres nothing much to miss since everyone has moved on to the next phase of their lives with my peers either in army or ntu/nus/smu. I feel scared,excited,helpless and thankful all at the same time. With two of my closest friend in opposite parts of the world,  it hurts when I know I can only leave them offline msges and harbour the thought that they will be online at certain time of the day. It hurts me more when I realise I cant be there for them. As I wake up every morning, I appreciate the sleep I had the night before, the comfort my bed gives me and the time I have for the next 10 hours or so. And sometimes I wonder, what everyone else is doing right now.. I feel disconnected at times and I think blogging is the best way to stay connected with people (and I guess i will switch back to blogspot since people tag more than they comment though i really love wordpress .. how bout tengineurope.blogspot.com ha!) 

I have officially less than 30 days in sg, feels funny, surreal, and nothing much actly. When the time comes, you just go and take on whatevers coming your way. So cool, I dunnoe who I will meet and what I will see., that in itself is something to look forward to as it opens up so many possibilities and opportunities for things to happen or rather, for me to make things happen, ones that will change the world, for the better hopefully. Ran 10k last sunday and I had so much fun. I did not run as diligently as I wished to but i truly enjoyed the 10km run. You just couldn stop, because others were running and you shouldn cuz you neva noe if you will become the source of inspiration to the one beside you… I felt so satisfied after it and I am not sure when I will take up the 21km challenge. Til then..

I guess I neva know how parents feel until I become one? I guess they feeel helpless because they cant show how much they love me to let me go…I am not sure why I am not exactly free, theres just sth to look forward to and somebody to meet each day and i greatly appreciate that  

Just came back from a dinner with the p of RSS and some teachers, apparently the 3 of us boosted the morale of the teachers and students there and therefore the dinner. It was great to see my p1 chi tcher, p4 sci tcher and p6 english cher and they can still remember me though I dont really have a very vivid impression of my life when I was 7,8,9,10,11,12 years old. Nevertheless, they definitely played an important part in my life and I should be grateful to them . AND TMR!  I am going down tj for a ‘photo-shoot” in the morning, mahjong session at lenny’s place with guanhui and weijun in the afternoon followed by a scrapbooking session at madewithlove!

SAC’09 July 26, 2009

I almost teared during the rehearsals on friday. Everything felt so surreal, eddie teo’s open letter made me realise how far we have come. Friday night, emptiness overwhelmed me as I thought about everyone’s departure and how little time (one saturday left) we have left to know each other better, to learn and help one another. Facebook msgs made me feel blessed and I felt thankful for everything. Saturday morning came with barely 5 hours of sleep and I received 2 msgs from my life teacher, mr tong. By then i couldn control anymore and i just cried at the train station. I was feeeling happy, grateful, and “ready” to start studying dam hard, to explore dam alot and to serve my country in 4 yrs time.

SAC ceremony. It was a proud moment to be humble about, cuz if not for everyone else, I would not have been there today. I shall hold true to the pledge we took and not forget you, you and everyone of you who made me what I am. The whole PDC is really short, we may never get to hear auyong’s jokes, create harmony and melody as a group nor squat outside the mrt as a SILVER team, (at least in a year time). Thank you guys like silver, mingda,cheryl,baojia, zhihao,junyang,jingsong,… for playing a tune in my life

For you who saw us through, this song is for you…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zWT546J3Fjg

“This is a song, for the ones who’ve been there all along
You watched us grow, and saw us through our highs and our lows
You picked me up, whenever I was feeling down
So this is a song, for the ones who make our world go round

Before I go away, this is what I want to say

For all the times I made you mad
With every single tear you shed
You showed me that you really cared
I thank you

First day of school, you stood outside the window and waved
Each morning you, made me peanut butter bread
Remember how, you used to drive me everywhere
And held my hand, all those nights that I was feeling scared

The memories that we share, they will take me everywhere

For all the times I made you mad
With every single tear you shed
You showed me that you really cared
I thank you (I thank you)

 For every sleepless night you had
For all your heartache, Mum and Dad
I never really told you that
I thank you

Bridge:

And in a while, we’ll be thousands of miles
From the comfort of your smile
While we are gone, remember this song
Remember we’ll keep you in our hearts

 For all the times I made you mad
With every single tear you shed
You showed me that you really caredI thank you

 For every sleepless night you had
For all your heartache, Mum and Dad
We never really told you that
We love you

We never really told you that
We love you
We thank you”

谢谢爸爸妈妈，希望你们不要太想念我，因为我太爱你们了。

thankful July 12, 2009

Felt really grateful to the eleven of them who make the past week a meaningful and memorable one. yuhyiing,xinying,joo,yuanzhi,calvin,hanliang,adrian,leonard,xianyi,jon,guanhui, I am really thankful that you guys crossed my path; even though we may not become colleauges or have little opportunity to even come face to face again, I am grateful to have known each and every single one of you.

Thanks for the sincerity in the friendships forged-you guys convinced me that steoreotype dosent exist!
Thanks for the spontaneous, initiatives and compassion that made peer appraisals harder than the A levels=x
Thanks for the acceptance, openness, and warmth that made PDC exciting, fun and NOT ENOUGH.
Thanks people, I wouldn have felt so comfortable sharing, LAUGHING and talking if not for you, you and the eleven of  you.

Met the LSE-UCL people during the networking session on saturday and it made me feel so EXCITED about london, school and everything else. kenneth,shida,xiaojun,syeyuet,zhihao-thanks for the friendliness and the london spirit!!

I am not sure if i am gullible,innocent or … but i am truly happy to know all of you, silver especially and I cant wait for us to come back 4 years later to share and rekindle what was left behind in us. Adrian,calvin and yuhyiinng lets MEET over there in UK and visit the rest in US and PRC…to build stronger and long lasting friendships:)

Everything feels so surreal at this moment.
Why me? Do I deserve it all?

The Beginning July 6, 2009

Today marks the first day of our PSC Pre-Departure Course.

Felt excited because it feels like the first day of “school” where everything is planned out for you from Monday to Friday just like the timetable we used to have. WIth Han Liang, it felt even more like going back to somewhere with someone familiar. And yeah it just feels GREAT. Met familiar people along the way too, yingzhen, greg from nus high and a few others whom I just happened to know through the “six degrees of separation” theory. The RJ majority didnt really bother me and I had FUN knowing all the new faces=). People of different aspirations, legal service, foreign service, teaching etc people of different personalities, characters, interests that intrigued me so much that I would love to know every single one of them at more than the superficial level. Loves the spontaneous  and enthusiasm shown by them, it feels so GREAT to know new people even though at the end of the day we may still part feeling empty deep down. That’s always the start isnt it? And yeah it has to start somewhere. And after these 3 weeks, all of us  will depart to pursue our passion, love, and challenge ourselves like neva before. Together, we bring with us expectations,responsibility and carry with us an annoying label that sometimes I wish it can just become invisible. Yeah we will all leave and come back to care, give and create a better future, hopefully.

As I glanced across the room today, I seriously think it was a miracle for me to be there today among the rafflesians, hwa chongians, victorians,etc etc etc. I have officially become part of the “elite group” that I used to refer to in my GP essays. And i stil want to claim that I am not an elite, I am just an ordinary bedok gal who have survived thus far with much courage, determination and LUCK. I still have so much to learn,  to care, to give and to love myself.

A new chapter demands a new introduction, a new body and a new conclusion.
A good chapter demands a braver introduction, an exciting body and a thorough conclusion.

But I want an extraordinary chapter,that demands nothing but an extraordinary conclusion…

7 realisations in 7 days June 28, 2009

Monday- It is scary to wake up one day and realise that you have lost yourself in one way or another, to lose almost everything except your ugly face and unattractive body.

Tuesday-When someone challenged you, you  backed out not because you werent good enough but because theres no point in doing so-just to see who is better. Why do we want to prove we are better than others/ why not let others be better than us?

Wednesday- When planned things become NOTHING, whether or not we were looking forward to it  we all feel sad because we all lose sth (time, efforts, opportunities) and we started blaming whoever who is feelig worst than everyone else-yet who realises that?

Thursday- You neva know how much someone meant to you, even in such a short period of time, and more often than not, we realises it only when our days are numbered and we started missing the sounds and noises even before we leave.

Friday-It hurts to handover something you carefully and meticulously handled and then you realise how important is it to trust someone and to let go.

Saturday-Waiting is an agonizing emotion that only intensifies the pain and suffering-why not introduce initiative and choice to remove it completely but the bigger question is -is it possible?

Sunday- If only we knew what happens on this day on a saturday, will life be better or worst-I choose the latter.

World Refugee Day 2009 June 21, 2009

Right now, as war and violent conflict rage around the world, people just like you are running — for their lives, their families, their dignity and their freedom.  They often have to leave everything behind.  And they leave with nothing but their hope, courage and determination.  They are refugees.

incoherence June 21, 2009

I don’t know what I should blog about, or perhaps I don’t know where to start. Okays it will just be a very incoherent post, thats all.

Stupidity, isnt it something that you elite, supposed to tolerate, help, and above all embrace it for what you are today? Honestly, I am vvvv disappointed when i heard that because you didnt look like one. I dun wanna judge you and I respect you for who you are. I hate that title. sometimes i just feel pressurized. sometimes i just feel incompetent. sometimes i just feel not challenged. above all, I feel that I could do much more than that but inertia just keep building up. friends gave me breath, fun, joy, and quality time… really appreciated all of that.. soo, meng, sok, coceo, boon,val, rb,etc etc I LOVE YOU GUYS for your SPONTANEITY and childhood doings… OMG, who thought of playing bridge at marina barrage for one whole afternoon. ROCK pls…!! thanks for always bringing back that kind of happineess and FEELING that I had  6 years ago… my beloved oh sevens, i love them and always for their honesty and THEY for who they are. every one of us are charting both the charted and uncharted waters with our own personality…. engine, acc, biz,law,dentisty,mass comm, sci… til I feel jealous that I am not doing this this this and that that that. HAHA. individuals drifted, inevitable i guess and nothing to emo/sad about thats life isnt it?

tired since june started. come home at midnight every day coupled with filled weekends. i love it, tired, i can take it, meeting people, its a SURE and WHY NOT! above all, family always come first. i cabbed down today just to meet dad, and he felt touched. no this wasnt just fathers day, its something i really piroritise. lots and lots of thoughts, read books, consecutively on holocaust, couldnt comprehend and emphatise on the first book cuz the concepts explored were really absurd but true. read the seoncd one and hit right at the centre of my heart… and because of the misfortune that happened that day…

while toking to her that day, i realise sth about my mum that i felt ashamed of myself.. but nothing is too late, RIGHT? went ANU briefing with elisse cuz her mum not going with her at first… i guess thats all i can do just to spend a little more time with herrr.. cries… SOT grad gooona take a break soon le… after that will be stephhh,,, awww… spend like 3 days in a week with her last week… 15 august! I WILL MISS YOU!… and then SOK? HAIZ. saw the nushs gang today.. felt FUNNY, seriously and awkward, been like what ages since i seem some of them and perhaps i werent close to some of them to begin with but oh wells, really appreciate the gathering and just to listen the same tone and style of nushs people. thanks for the tub of signatures though! am really touched by it=) xie xie!

felt that reading empowers me and theres indeed lotsa choices to make…

I am aware I am selfish, ,undeserving, error-intakes, BAD, noisy, and all the rubbish you can think of..

BUT

I have learnt (still learning), to see, to comprehend, to trust and want the best for whoever you may be, to befriend, to emphathise, to give and to love the poor, the innocence, and the throwaways. And, I need to love myself.